Old and New Jokes

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Spiritual means: Involved with a cult

Stable means: Boring

Tall, thin means: Anorexic

What do you call lice on a bald mans head?

Homeless.

You might be a rednack if…

Youve ever re-used a paper plate.

Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.

When you hear someone talking about the king you dont know whether theyre talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.

You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.

You use a pig for a garbage disposal.

You cant go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the trucks gas cap.

You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.

You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.

Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.

You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.

You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.

You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.

A tornado goes through your trailers yard and makes it look neater.

Youve got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.

You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.

You think Meals on Wheels is another name for roadkill.

You spell fertilizer with only 4 letters.

You shot your own 12 point coat rack.

Youve ever slam-shifted a tractor.

yo mamas so fat she walked in front of the tv and i missed 2 commercials

yo mamas so stupid she thought a NFL quarterback was a refund

yo mamas so poor she was kickin a can down the street i asked her what she was doing and she said moving

jo mamas so fat she saw a school bus and chased it thinking it was a twinkie

your mamas so fat she got baptised at sea world

yo mamas so fat she tripped over k mart stumbled over walmart and landed right on target

yo mamas so fat she made my truck a low rider

Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that shes carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?

A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Q: How many lawyer JOKES are there?

A: Only three — the rest are TRUE.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

A: Skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator.

Q: What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a crooked lawyer?

A: Chelsea Clinton.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

A: His partners.

Q: What does a lawyer use for birth control?

A: His personality.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

A: Nothing — There are some things even a pig wont do.

Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

1) The lawyer gets frequent-flyer miles.

2) Removable wing tips.

Q: Whats the difference between God and a lawyer?

A: God doesnt think hes a lawyer.

Q: Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey the most toxic waste sites?

A: New Jersey got first choice.

-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

K9P.

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

Excuse me, he said, have you lost something?

No, replied one of the doctors. Were doing a heart transplant for an IRS agent and want to find a suitable rock.

Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra hard, hed be able to see when he woke up in the morning.

The next morning she came into Herbies room to make sure hed prayed hard the night before.

Well then, open your eyes and youll know that your prayers have been answered.

Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, Mother! Mother! I still cant see!

I know, dear, said his mother. April Fool!

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, So, whos gonna tell his wife? They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, dont make a bad situation any worse. Discreet? Im the most discreet person youll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me. Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home. Tell him to drop dead! yells the wife. Ill go tell him. says Goldberg.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground,she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.