Old and New Jokes

Están una pareja de recién casados en su noche de bodas, y el novio decide que se va a desnudar poco a poco, lo que a la novia le parece estupendo.

Empieza quitándose la camisa, y la novia le dice: Pepe, qué brazos, qué espalda, qué pecho., son ¡¡PURA DINAMITA!!.

Pepe, cada vez más entusiasmado, se quita los pantalones, y la novia le vuelve a decir:

Pepe qué vientre, qué piernas., son ¡¡PURA DINAMITA!!.

Pepe no cabía en sí de gozo ante la expectación de su novia, se quita los slips y se vuelve de espalda a la novia, y ésta le dice: Pepe, que culo, es ¡¡PURA, PURA. DINAMITA!!, pero Pepe, date la vuelta por Dios.

Entonces Pepe se da la vuelta y la novia le dice: Pepe, ¡qué poca mecha para tanta dinamita!

A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in their bed room. The 7 year old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year old says, When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, Ill say Hell and you say ass. The 4 year old happily agrees.



As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their Mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replies, Ah hell, mom, Ill just have some Cheerios.



WHACK! The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then asks the younger son, And what would YOU like for breakfast? I dont know, the 4 year old blubbers, but you can bet your ass its not gonna be Cheerios.

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

Well, she said. The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.

The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.

The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.

I was at this restaraunt the other day and I saw this fat oriental lady
and I said to myself that aint no chink thats a damn chunk!

Top 10 Benefits of a White House Internship

First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs

Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great

Gives new meaning to MTV slogan Rock the Vote

Observe the Presidents commitment to young people
first hand

Learn intricacies of statutory rape law

Have President chase around desk brandishing his
subpoena

President tells you he really wants you on his staff

Try out JFKs legendary rocking chair

Have President introduce you to his special
investigator

Find out what a politician means when he says hes
been polling his constituents

These two nuns are out for a walk when two men grab them, drag them into a
dark alley, and start raping them.
One nun, seeing their plight, says Forgive them Father, for they know not
what they do.
So the other nun says, Shut up! This one does!

Even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then.

> original message by: dierdre@sco.com,
an adaptation of cheesy happy-face message sent to our upbeat alias

A good fuck costs nothing, but gives much. It reaches those who
receive without making poorer those who give. It takes but a
moment, but the memory sometimes lasts a lifetime. None is so
rich or mighty that he can get along without it, and none is so
poor but that he can be made richer by it. A good fuck creates
happiness in the home, fosters goodwill in business, and is the
countersign of friendship. It brings rest to the weary, cheer
to the discouraged. A good fuck is sunshine to the sad, and is
natures best antidote for trouble.

Yet, it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is
of no value to anyone until it is given away. Some people are
too tired to give you a good fuck. Give them one of yours, as none
needs a good fuck so such as he who has no more to give.

Have a good weekend…..

What did the salad say when the cabbage interrupted their meal? Lettuce alone!

The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

Q: Whats black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman pinscher.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?

A: Because theyre used to doing all of their lying indoors.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, Lawyers are horses asses.

Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: Mister, watch what you say. Youre in horse country.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

A: Nothing. There are some things a pig wont do.

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. I dont understand, Cindy complained. When people find out Im a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that? Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, Maybe it just saves time.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. Look, said one to the other, Lets be honest with each other.

Okay, you first, replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?

Theres a big fire across the street, the doctor replied. We didnt want you to think the operation was a failure.

Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first. You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge.

Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement

A: A whine cellar.

Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are avocat in French)

A: Both have hearts like stones.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.