Whats the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly cant bird.

How do you put six elephants in a Volkswagen?

…Three in front and three in back…

There were three drunk guys and they got in a car accident. They go to heaven and plead god for a second chance. God says, Alright, but dont step on a duck. The drunks reply, Why ducks? God repeats, Just dont step on a duck. The drunks agree and go back down to earth. A few weeks go by, and the first steps on a duck. Instantly, hes chained to the ugliest woman in the world. A month goes by and the second steps on a duck. The last of them is laughing at the others and is instantly chained to the most beautiful woman in the world. He says, God, what did I do for this? The girl says, I dont know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

There were three little pigs named Shutup, Stupid, and Trouble, and they were driving a car through the countryside once day.

Trouble leaned too far out the window and fell out of the car, and then down a hill, so Shutup and Stupid started looking for him.

A police car stopped to see what was the matter, but when the cops asked what their names were, the pigs each said their names in turn.

Shutup
Stupid

Misunderstanding them, the cops asked them if they were looking for trouble, and they said Yes, he fell out of the car and rolled down the hill.

So, the chicken and the egg were in bed, the chicken is sitting up, smoking a cigarette, and says Well, I guess that answers THAT question!!!

A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.

A teacher had a class,and she tlod her students if they answer a qustion then they would get a treat.So the teacher calls jimmy to the fort of the classroom. She asked the qustion,and jimmy answers the qustion right.
So the teacher tlod jimmy to
close his eyes and open his mouth.Jimmy did as he was told,and the teacher put a hershe kiss in his mouth.Then the teacher asked him if he could guess what she put in his mouth.Jimmy replyed no I dont know.The teacher saids
Ill give you a hint.Its what your dad always wants from your mother every morning before he goes to work,and before jimmy could answer a littel girl got up and said. Oh no jimmy spit it out its a peace of ass

Hamlets Cats Soliloquy

To go outside, and there perchance to stay Or to remain within: that is the question: Whether tis better for a cat to suffer The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather That Nature rains on those who roam abroad, Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet, And so by dozing melt the solid hours That clog the clocks bright gears with sullen time And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state A wish to venture forth without delay, Then when the portals opened up, to stand As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep; To choose not knowing when we may once more Our readmittance gain: aye, theres the hairball; For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob, Or work a lock or slip a window-catch, And going out and coming in were made As simple as the breaking of a bowl, What cat would bear the households petty plagues, The cooks well-practiced kicks, the butlers broom, The infants careless pokes, the tickled ears, The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will, He might his exodus or entrance make With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear, Or strays trespassing from a neighbors yard, But that the dread of our unheeded cries And scratches at a barricaded door No claw can open up, dispels our nerve And makes us rather bear our humans faults Than run away to unguessed miseries? Thus caution doth make house cats of us all; And thus the bristling hair of resolution Is softened up with the pale brush of thought, And since our choices hinge on weighty things, We pause upon the threshold of decision.

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy

rushes in and says, Guess what guys, Ive won a trip to see the Pope!

Everyone gets all excited and chants, We finally get to ask him, we

finally get to ask him.

The next day, theyre all standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front

of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, Go

ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, Do you have a question to ask me,

young man? Dopey looks up shyly and says, Well, yes.

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.

Dopey asks, Well, do….do they have nuns in Alaska?

The Pope replies, Well, yes, Im sure we have nuns in Alaska.

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!

The Pope asks Dopey if theres more to his question, and Dopey continues, Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?

To which the Pope replies, Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska,

yes.

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!

The Pope asks Dopey, Is there still more to your question?

To which Dopey replies, Well, uh, yeah…..are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns

in Alaska?

The startled Pope replies, Well, no, my son, I really dont think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. Shetold them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammedthe door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact,bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the dooragain with the same result-the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude youngpeople were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that wouldteach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Maam, before you do that again, you needto move your cat."