Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him. Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger? I dont have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. I just have to run faster than you.

One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.
So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,Wheres my heart located?

On a woman, its usually located under her left breast, the doctor replied.

The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot wound to the knee.

A: To get to the other tide.

Have you ever smelled mothballs????

I was just wondering how you would get their little legs open!!!!

A: Elephino.

Little miss muffet… sat on her tuffet… eating her kurds and way.
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and said: hey, whats
in the bowl bitch?!

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, Im so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!

The second says, Well Im so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!

Then the third rat gets up and says, Later guys, Im off home to harass the cat.

Q: Where are cows originally from?

A: Timbukmoo

A: To the retail store.

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. The other customers were very confused and some very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, Sir, what are you doing!?! The man turned toward the teller and simply said Looking around.