It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.

The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants goal when the Elephants left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game.

What the hell do you think youre doing?
Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?

The elephant replied, Well, I didnt mean to kill him — I was just trying to trip him up.

What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from Feathers, the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a planes windshield at approximately the speed the airplane flies. The theory is that if the windshield can withstand the carcass test impact, itll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. Apparently, the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were developing.. They borrowed the FAAs chicken launcher, loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken not only shattered the windshield, but went through the engineers seat, broke an instrument panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed chicken.

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law The panda bear tells the policeman that hes innocent and, if he didnt believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.

Wife : you delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby : Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
Wife : Is that why you addressed them as your brothers & sisters?

(sung to the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland)

Dogs tags ring, are you listening?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
Its yellow, not white — Ive been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree?  Thats my fragrance.
Its a sign for wandring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, its my property!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then Ill lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know its mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, I bet you dont know what day this is.

Of course I do, he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldnt wait for her husband to come home.

First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! she exclaimed.

Ive never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: It doesnt matter, hes not going to come anyway.

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, Mummy, what is that long thing?

His mother replies, That son, is the elephants trunk.
No, at the other end.
That son is the tail.
No, mummy, the thing under the elephant.
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, Thats nothing.

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. Daddy, what is that long thing?

Thats the trunk, son replies the father.
No at the other end.
Oh, that is the tail.
No, no daddy, the thing below, asks the son in desperation.
That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?
Well mummy said it was nothing, says the boy.
Replies the father: I tell you, I spoil that woman …

A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, Look, a dead bird.
And the blonde looks up and says, Where?