Twas the Night before X-mas

Twas the night before christmas- Old Santa was pissed

He cussed out the elves and through down his list

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works

Ive busted my ass for damn near a year

Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear

The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night

The elves want more money the reindeers all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes-if that aint damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money

And the kids these days- they all are the pits

They want the impossible… Those mean litttle shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls….Their arms, legs, and heads

I made a ton of yo yos No request for them

They want computers and robots…..they think Im IBM

If you thinks that bad…just picture this

Try holding their pants full of piss

They pull on my nose they grab at my beard

And if I dont smile the parents think Im wierd

Flying through the air…dodging the trees

Falling down chimmneys and skinning their knees

Im quitting this job…theres just no enjoyment

Ill sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

Theres no christmas this year…. now you know the reason

I found me a blonde …Im going south for the season

A: She changed all her ys to ks.

Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.

How did this happen? the doctor asked. Well I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?

No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, I just paid $6,000 for these, then I put it in my mouth and I thought, I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth straightened.

So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger?

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, I dont have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!

To that the man asks, Anything??
And the blonde says, Yes, anything!!
With that, the man says, Follow me.

He walks into the next room and tells her, Come in and close the door.
She does.
He then says, Get on your knees.
She does.
He then says, Take down my zipper.
She does.
He then says, Go ahead, take it out.
With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, Well, go ahead!

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, Hello…Mom?

Why did it take four hours for the blonde to make chocolate chip cookies?

Because it took her 3 hours to peel all those M&Ms.

In Florida there was a swimming contest. The contestants were a

brunette-Mindy, a redhead-Cindy, and a blonde-Sandy.

The second race was the Breast Stroke…the order of finish was:

The brunette came in first, the redhead second,… but wait, where was

the blonde??? She was still racing!

When she got to the finish line…she said THEY CHEATED!!

The Judge said how??

The dumb blonde screamed…THEY USED THEIR ARMS!

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?

A: A refrigerator doesnt fart when you pull your meat out of it.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A Golden Retriever.

why did three blondes jump off a cliff?

they wanted to see if there maxie-pads really had wings!!!