What do you call a pollock with half a brain?

Gifted

A Chinese couple is in bed one night, when the man gives his
wife an elbow and says, May-Ling, how about a little 69. Im
in the mood for some 69.

Shut-up and go back to sleep, groans
his wife.

Come on, you know I like 69, and for that matter, so
do you!

What time is it?

1:30.

You want me to get up
at this hour and make beef and broccoli for the two of us?

[Attributed to Rabbi Boruch Lipsky]
[Ed: And reportedly also in Playboy]

Why arent [ethnic] people blonde?

How dumb do you want them to be?

A Scotsman went to a pub with his Great Dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside and went in to have a pint obitter.

A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walked in and the following conversation ensued:

Second man: Is that your dog outside?

First man: Aye. What of it?

Second man: Well, I think my dog maya killed im.

First man, stunned: What kinda dog you got that can kill a Great Dane?

Second man: Well, es a Chihuahua.

First man: Ha! ow can a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?

Second man: Well, I think the wee thing maya gotten stuck in is throat.

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. – Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse – Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high – No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach – Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table – Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift – Chin Tu Fat
Its very dark in here – Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? – Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet – Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. – No Pah King
You are not very bright – Yu So Dum
I got this for free – Ai No Pei
I am not guilty – Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer – Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week – Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived – Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight – Lei Lo
Hes cleaning his automobile – Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18
bills would be in some small hick town.

So, he got into his very expensive new luxury car and off he went. After
driving for a while, he found a tiny town with a single store.

He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind
the counter. Can you change this for me, please? he asked.

The store clerk looked at the $18 bill for a short time, then smiled and
said to the man, Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?

A teacher in a rural area, attempting to broaden the outlook of her narrow-horizoned class, asked each student to write an essay on his views of foreigners. All turned in more or less acceptable pieces except for hard-bitten young Billy, whose essay, in full, was All foreigners are bastards.The shocked teacher made no direct comment but devoted her next lecture to a description of Greek architecture, Roman law, English drama, German music, Italian poetry, Russian novels, Chinese philosophy, and African sculpture. She then asked the class to write another essay on foreigners.With beating heart, she reached Billys paper. It said in full, All foreigners are bastards. Some are cunning bastards.

Why do Puerto Rican women wear pointy shoes?

To kill the roaches in the corners.

Well, Mrs. OConnor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned
his client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?

Oh, no, replied Mrs. OConnor. Shure now, we have a carport.

The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up?

No, no, said Mrs. OConnor, looking puzzled. Im always first out of
bed.

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for
unnatural connubial practices?

Shure now, he plays the flute, but I dont think he knows anything
about the connubial.

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What Im trying to find out are
what grounds you have.

Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat — not even a window box, let alone
grounds.

Mrs. OConnor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you
need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you
seeking this divorce?

Ah, well now, said the lady, Shure its because the man cant hold an
intelligent conversation.

Did you here about the ten foot tall 390 pound Aggie football player?

He was killed in a car wreck and they couldn t find a casket large
enough to bury him so they gave him an enema and burried him
in a shoe box.