The Polish Medical Dictionary: Anti-Body – against everyone Artery – study of paintings Bandages – The Rolling Stones Bacteria – what to do when treatment fails Botulism – tendency to make mistakes Bowel – letters lik A E I O or U Caesarean Section – a district in Rome Cardiology – advanced study of poker playing Cat Scan – searching for ones lost kitty Cauterize – made eye contact with her Colic – sheep dog Coma – punctuation mark Congenital – friendly Cortisone – the local courthouse D & C – where Washington is Dilate – to live long Enema – not a friend Enteritis – a penchant for burglary ER – the things on your head that you hear with Fester – quicker Fibrillate – to tell lies Genes – blue denim slacks Genital – non-Jewish Hangnail – coat hook Hemorrhoid – a male From outer space Herpes – what women do in the Ladies Room Hormones – what a prostitute does when she doesnt get paid ICU – peek-a-boo Impotent – distinguished, well known Inpatient – tired of waiting Labor Pain – hurt at work Medical Staff – a doctors cane Minor Operation – coal digging Morbid – a higher bid Nitrate – cheaper than the Day Rate Node – was aware of Organ transplant – what you do to your piana when you move Organic – organ repairman Outpatient – a person who has fainted Paralyze – two far-fetched stories Pathological – a reasonable way to go Pharmacist – person who makes a living dealing in agriculture Plaster cast – the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert Post-Operative – a letter carrier Protein – in favor of young people Recovery Room – place to upholster furniture Rectum – what happened to the Corvette Red blood count – Dracula Rheumatic – amorous Saline – where you go on your boyfriends boat Secretion – hiding something Surgery – a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply Sterile solution – not using the elevator during a fire Tablet – a small table Terminal Illness – getting sick at the airport Tibia – country in North Africa Triple bypass – better than a quarterback sneak Tumor – an extra pair Urine – opposite of Youre Out Varicose – nearby Vein – conceited

What does an [ethnic] call his pet zebra?

Spot!

I hope you will enjoy this since it humorous as well as instructive.

Do not use computerese, jargon, argot, newspeak, or British when expressing yourself in the American English Language.
Subject and verb always has to agree.
Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions. Avoid archaeic spellings too.
Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
Avoid cliches like the very plague.
Mixed metaphors are a pain in the ass and should be thrown out the window.
Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
Use your spell checker to avoid mispelling and to catch typograhpical errors.
Dont be redundant.
Dont repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
Remember to never split an infinitive.
The passive voice should not be used.
Use the apostrophe in its proper place and omit it when its not needed.
Dont never use no double negatives.
Poofread carefully to see if you have any words out.
Check carefully for grammatical errers.
Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Avoid colloquial stuff.
Eschew obfuscation.
No sentence fragments.
A preposition is never a proper word to end a sentence with.
Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.
Dont indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
And always be sure to finish what

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which arent sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers dont fing, grocers dont groce, and hammers dont ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isnt the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didnt preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

What do you call two Packies jumping out of a plane?

Chocolate drops.

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Octopus?

I dont know, but it sure can pick tomatoes.

Why arent there any Mexicans on Star Trek?

They dont work in the future either.

This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings.

Theyre still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 .

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you.

Midget worked for a farmer all his life so the farmer said to him one day, you have been working for me all your life so pick any where in the world to go and I will send you tommorow.
So the midget said I wanna go to New York city
The very next day the midget wass walking up the streets of New York looking up at all the tall people. He noticed a big glass thing going up the side of a building. He thought I wanna ride on that. So three storys up a big black guy got on the elevator. He looked up and said You must be the biggest blackest niga I ever seen.
The guy said Yup, I have a 6 foot dick 6 inches wide and my name is Turner Brown.
The midget fainted. The black guy Was shaking him saying Whats wrong with you man.
The midget said Can you repeat yourself?
The black guy said I have a dick 6 feet long 6 inches wide and my name is Turner Brown.
The midget said Phew, I thought you said Turn a round.

A GOOD ONE… enjoy. There was this case in the hospitals Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil…….. Just when the clock struck 11…. Scroll down for what happened… Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.