(the way I heard it…)

At the beginning of World War II, the English were helping the Resistance in one of the Scandinavian countries. There was a problem, however. Their guns – excuse me, their rifles – kept freezing in the winter cold.

They found that a condom rolled down over the muzzle helped, and the English requested supplies of extra-long (two feet? whatever…) from an English manufacturer. Winston Churchill himself okayed the order, but had the maker print British Made – Size Small on the special rubbers.

As the Germans advanced, the English retreated – but left the condoms behind for the Nazis benefit.

This really happened. 😎

A woman with a broken ankle was gingerly hobbling along on crutches
as she attempted to walk her dog. Because of her handicap, however,
she was having a lot of trouble keeping the dog under control.
Finally, the dog lunged forward, the leash slipped out of her
hand, and the dog went running down the street. She called and
called, but the dog wouldnt come back. Since she couldnt chase
after it, she eventually gave up and went home.

A couple of hours later she heard something scratching at the door.
When she went to the door she found her dog standing there with a
dead rabbit in its mouth. Upon closer inspection, she realized it
was the neighbors pet rabbit. She knew she would never be able
to tell them what happened, and since they were out of town for the
weekend, she hit upon a plan.

She took the rabbit into the bathroom, washed it off, and blew
its fur dry. Then she took the rabbit back to the neighbors
backyard and put the rabbit back in its cage. She thought the
neighbors would discover the rabbit dead and think it died in the
cage. They would never suspect what really happened.

On Monday, there was a knock at the door, and when she answered, there
was her neighbor standing there. He asked her if she had seen anyone
in their backyard over the weekend. She said no. He said, Did you
see anything strange going on around our house or yard? Again, she
denied seeing anything suspicious. She said, Why are you asking me
these questions? What happened? He said, Well, something really
strange is going on in my backyard. On Friday our rabbit died, so we
buried it in the backyard. But when we came back from the weekend,
it was back in the cage!

[Ed: This is, of course, one of the jokes which is described as an urban
legend in that series of books. It reminds me of the story of the
Australian baggage handlers
who found a dead cat in an animal shipment container. Worried they
would get in trouble over it, the went out and bought a similar cat
and replaced the dead one. Little did they know that the cat was
being shipped back to its owner for burial. Now thats service! ]

Why dont they teach drivers education and sex education on the
same day in Iraq?

– They dont want to wear out the camel.

How do you start a Mosh Pit in Mexico?

Throw A Penny.

Whos the richest person in Mexico?

The person who gets the penny.

Visiting Puerto Rico on a student exchange, one of my friends with rather rusty french asked an embarrased woman if she was embarrasada, which is very different from the proper embarrasario.

She was not very pleased, since embarrasada means pregnant!

In Britain, we have a rather greasy food called donner kebabs, made from CRM (compressed reconstituted meat) most of the time.

Well a friend and myself went out on the piss (getting drunk), and ended up eating quit a few of these.

The following day over lunch I was narrating this to some friends one of whom was portuguese. He was horrified and thought I was really promiscous, since I said something like: … and I had three donners last night.., which of course sounded to him like: …and I had three donnas (women) last night..!

Apparently mist means dung in German, and Rolls Royce have a top of the range model called Silver mist.

They had to merket it under another name in Germany!

A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest, said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest, said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

I would like to marry a man with one draggin on the ground!, said the youngest daughter.

Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico. They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isnt able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up – hes got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"Bob looks confused and says, "No, the cord was fine… but what the heck is a pinata?"

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Redneck are construction workers for a tall
building. On their lunch break they sit at the top together. The
Mexican opens his lunchbox and says:

If I get one more burrito in my lunch, thats it, Im going to jump!
The Irishman says:
If I get potatoes one more time, thats it, Im gonna jump!
The Redneck says:

If I get a bolonga sandwhich one more time, thats it, Im gonna jump!

The next day, they all get the same thing and they jump. At the funeral,
the Mexicans wife is crying, and she says,
If I only knew, I would have made him something different.

The Irishmans wife says,
I cant beleive it, I wish I made him something different!

The Rednecks wife says,
Dont look at me, he makes his own lunch.

OConnell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

Please, God, he implored, let it be blood!

A ventriloquist walks into a small Australian town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog and figures hell have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: Gday mate. Good looking dog… mind if l speak to him?

Local: The dog doesnt talk, you stupid man.

Ventriloquist: Hey dog, hows it going old mate?

Dog: Doin all right.

Local: (Look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist (pointing at local): Is this man your owner?

Dog: Yep.

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and lakes me to the river once a week to play.

Local: (Look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Local: Uh, the horse doesnt talk either… I think.

Ventriloquist: Hey horse, hows it going?

Horse: Cool.

Local: (Absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist (pointing at local): Is this your owner?

Horse: Yep.

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Local: (Total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if l talk to your sheep?

Local: The sheeps a bloody liar!