There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,

Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy –

Either way, you get your dog back!

Heres a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting abilitites.

This is about as close as you can get to the real deal! 🙂

MESS TEST – Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST – Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST – Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST – Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST – Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST – Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST – Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST – Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women) – Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men) – Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT – Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and childs table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, Sorry, sir, but youre only allowed one seat. The man groaned but didnt budge. The usher became impatient. Sir, the usher said, if you dont get up from there Im going to have to call the manager. Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.All right buddy, whats your name?Sam, the man moaned. Where ya from, Sam? the cop asked. The balcony.

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his fathers Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didnt punish him ?

One Student: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

This young guy comes into the office/wagon of the circus master: I can climb up the center pole and dive off into space, NO NET, land on my head in center ring, and jump up and take a bow. How bout them apples?

How much are you asking for this spectacle? asks the circus master.

Just 200 bucks a show, says the young guy.

I dont know. Ill have to see it first, says the circus master.

The acrobat climbs up, dives off, lands on his head, and jumps up and waves, although a bit wobbly.

OK, for 200 bucks a shot, its a deal, says the circus master.

Oh, no! Not 200! 500! says the acrobat.

What? You said 200!

I know I said 200, but that was before I tried it!

One of them says I think I left an electron outside.The other asked, Are you positive?

Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus.

The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain.

The second lady looks at that and says, Thats such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?

Its a condom, The first lady replies.

Well, where can you buy those?

the second lady asks.

Um… Most people buy them at pharmacies. the first lady replies.

So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter.

Do you guys sell those condom things? she asks the pharmacist.

Why yes we do, the pharmacist says a little confused, Do you know what size you need?

So the lady says, Well its got to fit a Camel.

Holy Man lives in a house close to the river. It rains for a couple days, the river comes up and starts to flood his house. A man in a 4-wheel drive pick-up truck stops to pick him up. The Holy Man wouldnt leave. He said God would save him. A couple hours later Holy Man is on the roof. The water is now half way up his house. A guy in a boat comes by to save him. But Holy Man wouldnt go, he said God would save him. A couple hours later, the water is now up to the roof. A guy flies up in a helicopter, but again Holy Man wouldnt go. He said said God would save him. Well Holy Man drowns, goes before God and asks Why didnt you save me? God said, I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more do you want?

In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran his game, and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer.
Eric was playing a Paladin in Eds game. He was on some lords lands when the following exchange occurred: ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: (Pause) Its white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: (Pause) Its about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: Its not good, Eric. Its a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.
ED: It wont answer. Its a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?
ED: No, Eric, its a gazebo!
ERIC: I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit). What happened?
ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
ERIC: (Pause) Wasnt it wounded?
ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! ITS A GAZEBO!
ERIC: (Whimper) But that was a +3 arrow!
ED: Its a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I dont know why anybody would even try. Its a @#$%!! gazebo!
ERIC: (Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away.
ED: (Thoroughly frustrated) Its too late. Youve awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you.
ERIC: (Reaching for his dice) Maybe Ill roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my Paladin. At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. It could have bee

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write for sexual favors.

3. Specify that your drive-through order is TO-GO.

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to keep them tuned up.

7. Reply to everything someone says with thats what you think.

8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and cc them to your boss.

10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

11. Finish all your sentences with the words in accordance with prophesy.

12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.

13. Disassemble your pen and accidentally flip the ink cartridge across the room.

14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way.

16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.

17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

18. Honk and wave to strangers.

19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.

20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

21. type only in lowercase.

22. dont use any punctuation either

23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.

DO YOU HEAR THAT?

What?

Never mind, its gone now.

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce No, wait, I messed it up, and repeat.

27. Ask people what gender they are.

28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

30. Sing along at the opera.

31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesnt rhyme.

32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about psychological profiles.