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Lawyer Quickies 2

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Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.



Q: Whats the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.



Q: Why wont sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.



Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.



Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.



Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A1: Take your foot off his head.

A2: No. Good!



Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dung?

A: The bucket.



Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in thats a shame)?

A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.



Q: What is the definition of a crying shame?

A: There was an empty seat.



Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you cant understand



Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

A. From chasing parked ambulances.



Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?

A. In the cemetery



Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.



Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.



Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why dont you swerve to hit him?

A: It might be your bicycle.



Q:Where can you find a good lawyer?

A:In the city morgue.



A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked How much is 2+2? The housewife replies: Four!. The accountant says: I think its either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spread sheet one more time. The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, How much do you want it to be?



A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day? Tim stood up and proudly said, Shes a doctor. Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie? Amie shyly stood up, scoffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman. Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy? Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whore house. The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billys father said, Im actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

Q: How many doctors

Poza publicata in [ Lightbulb ]

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

Q: How many Blue

Poza publicata in [ Lightbulb ]

Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky back plastic.

How Many Union Guys Does It Take…

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How many union guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Fifteen. You got a problem with that?

Aries:Just one. You want to

Poza publicata in [ Lightbulb ]

Aries:
Just one. You want to make something of it?Taurus:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.Gemini:
Two, but the job never gets done — they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how its supposed to be done.Cancer:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years
to help them through the grief process.Leo:
Leos dont change light bulbs, although sometimes
their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them
while theyre out.Virgo:
Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.Libra:
Er, two. Or maybe one. No – on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?Scorpio:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.Sagittarius:
The sun is shining, the day is young and weve got our whole lives ahead of us, and youre inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?Capricorn:
I dont waste my time with these childish jokes.Aquarius:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so…Pisces:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

Q: How many netters

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Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 2, 1 to do it and 1 to read this huge file first to check it hasnt been done already !

How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?

Poza publicata in [ Lightbulb ]

Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to the Beirut
airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with
Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage
around the world!

Ivy League Lightbulb Jokes

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How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two – one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eleven – one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.

How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?

None – Hanover doesnt have electricity.

How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two – One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but he gets six credits for it.

How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seventy-six – one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulbs right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.

How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?

None – New Haven looks better in the dark.

How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb?

One – he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Did you Hear?

Poza publicata in [ Lightbulb ]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa



Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

Hes all right now.



How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.



How do you get holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.



How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?

She says, Daddy, I want a new apartment.



What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

Dam!



What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.



What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.



What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexics Association.



What do you call a boomerang that doesnt work?

A stick.



What do you call cheese that isnt yours?

Nacho Cheese.



What do you call Santas helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.



What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

Quatro sinko.



What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.



What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.



What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?

A pachydermatologist



What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.



What is a zebra?

25 sizes larger than an A bra.



What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.



What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.



Where do you get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep/the one that can run the fastest.



Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

Theyre trying to get away from the noise.

Q: How many futurologists

Poza publicata in [ Lightbulb ]

Q: How many futurologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. He just takes the old functioning one out when nobodys looking, just to be certain.