Old Jokes | New Jokes

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security benefits. After waiting in line a long time, he finally arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

Will I have to go home and come back now? he asks. The woman says, Unbutton your shirt. So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me, and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

His wife says, You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.

A man named Jim was trying to have a yard sale and he was cleaning the front yard but he couldnt find the rake so he motioned to his wife who was upstairs about to get into the shower. He calls out Where is the rake? She says What! so he points to his eye (I) hits his knee (need) then he makes raking motions she replies by pointing at her eye then grabbing her left breast then she slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. He immediately runs into his house up the stairs and before he can open his mouth his wife says eye left tit behind the bush.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Dont discuss your problems = with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, What did the doctor say?

Youre going to die, she replied.

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: When Im dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.

Wife: No, I cant marry anyone after you.

Johnson: But I want you to.

Wife: But why?

Johnson: Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, I want you to help me get a divorce.

The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.

My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.

What do you mean? asked the attorney. Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?

No, replied the woman, and neither does the little queer.

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him this is all in your mind, and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, I can cure this, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke….

The witch doctor says This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say 1 2 3 and it shall rise for as long as you wish!

The guy then asks the witch doctor What happens after when its over?.

The witch doctor says all you have to say is 1 2 3 4 and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news… So he is lying in bed with her and says 1 2 3, and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says What did you say 1 2 3 for?

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: Here lies my wife…..cold as ever

Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: Here lies my husband…..stiff at last

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.

Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, Honey, have you seen my other shoe?

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.