Old Jokes | New Jokes

A man complaining to a friend: I had it all – money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman … then … pow! … it was all gone!

What happened? asked the friend.

Ahhhh … my wife found out …

Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door.

When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex.

Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question.

Again, not amused , she screamed get the hell away.

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door.

When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes.

The man replied, great, give some to your husband the next time you see him , and tell him to keep away from my wife.

And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.

My wife doesnt care what I do away from home, as long as I dont enjoy it.

As supposedly reported on CNN:

Undercover police, staging the wedding of a drug kingpins daughter, let it be known on the street that dealers were invited (i. e. Expected to attend).

The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was S. P. O. C. (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.

The long-sought dealers were arrested after the band took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? I Fought The Law, And The Law Won

A newlywed couple goes to bed early on Christmas night. The wife awakes in the middle of the night, wakes her husband and says: Honey, Honey wake up! I had the most amazing dream!

Husband: Huh, what was it?

Wife: In my dream I saw a Christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of dicks. There was big ones, small ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect dick: it was long and thick!

Husband: Well, it was my dick, right? Wife: No, it was Dennis Rodmans!

The husband, somewhat annoyed that his wife awoke him to tell him about a dream about Dennis Rodmans dick, rolled over and went to sleep. Later that evening the husband awoke and wakes his wife and says: Honey, I had the most amazing dream! Wife: What was it?

Husband: In my dream I saw a Christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of pussys. There was tight ones, loose ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect pussy: it was tight and shaved!

Wife: Was it mine?

Husband: No, yours was holding the tree up!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we dont even have a fridge to keep it in.

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.

Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car, he laments, and she doesnt even know how to drive!

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it, he chuckles. My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesnt even have a penis!

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. Hurry! she said, stand in the corner. She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. Dont move until I tell you to, she whispered. Just pretend youre a statue.

Whats this, honey? the husband inquired as he entered the room. Oh, its just a statue, she replied nonchalantly. The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

Here, he said to the statue, eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didnt have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself Wouldnt it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me. He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven oclock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, Oh no!!! My wifes dinner party!!! He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where hes been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: Come on guys, were almost there!

You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.