President Clinton has vehemently denied that he told former intern
Monica Lewinsky to lie.
What I actually said, claims the President, was to lie down.
An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 Passengers left, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, Bill Clinton said I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc., so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, said Im Antoine Walker, one the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I cant afford to die so he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said I am the wife of the President of the United States, a soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world, so she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, I am old and frail and I dont have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute.
The boy scout said Its Ok, theres a parachute left for you. The worlds smartest woman took my backpack.
The FBI finally came back with the DNA results.
Clinton was a perfect match.
So was all of Arkansas.
[Ed. note: Ive seen this before and would love to know who the author is.
Please email me at funny-request@clarinet.com so we can properly credit
you.]
My company offers a class called Interpersonal Relationships; the
following is a spot-on sendup of the class and its objectives.
notes from
MANGLING IMPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
Copious research has conclusively shown that there are exactly
two dimensions to human personality: self-control and evangelism.
THE SELF-CONTROL SCALE
The self-control scale denotes the degree to which a person maintains
control of his or her emotions. Humans are evenly distributed along
this scale with Spock at one end (although he is really half Vulcan) and
Sally Field at the other (see Figure 1).
Figure 1. Self-Control Scale
Self-Control
+—————————————+
| |
Spock Sally Field
| |
Shows absolutely no Operates purely on
emotion whatsoever, unless emotion. Cries when
under the influence of mind- reading The Family Circus
altering drugs, such as pod or when nominated for an
spray. Oscar.
THE EVANGELISM SCALE
The evangelism scale denotes the degree to which a person forces his
or her opinions and beliefs on others. Like the self-control scale,
humans are evenly distributed on this scale, with Supreme Court
nominees on one end and Jimmy Swaggert at the other (see Figure 2).
Figure 2. Evangelism Scale
Evangelism
+—————————————+
| |
Supreme Court Justice David Souter Swaggart
(before being nominated)
| |
Opinions could not Offers opinions freely
even be extricated and without provocation,
through Senate judicial often frothing at the
hearings. mouth and sweating
profusely.
WHERE ARE YOU ON THE SCALES?
Where each person falls on the self-control and evangelism scales is
genetically predetermined and can be calculated from a questionnaire of
20 or so questions that you give to five of your friends/coworkers.
This questionnaire was scientifically engineered and is backed up by
copious research, so regardless of who answers this questionnaire
(convenience store clerks, your mother, your worst enemies), your
location on the scales is always the same. Oh, there have been some
exceptions, but they were due to people getting confused when filling in
the dots on the questionnaire.
THE PERSONALITY QUADRANTS
Copious research has shown that there are four quadrants in which we
can stereotype human personalities (see Figure 3). This graph is
derived from the two personality scales, with Evangelism as the X axis
and Self-Control as the Y axis.
Figure 3. The Personality Quadrants
low E v a n g e l i s m high
(0) +————————–+————————–+(20)
| | |
| | |
| Anal-Retentives | Megalomaniacs |
| | |
| | |
S | | |
e | | |
l | | |
f | | |
– | | |
C +————————–+————————–+
o | | |
n | | |
t | Spineless Wimps | Psychotics |
r | | |
o | | |
l | | |
| | |
| | |
| | |
| | |
+————————–+————————–+
high
(20)
Once your location on the scales is determined, we can plot your
personality on a graph and pigeon-hole you for life! For example, if
your questionnaire shows 1 on the Self-Control scale and 1 on the
Evangelism scale, you would be classified as an Anal-Retentive, and
are probably enjoying these numbers immensely. If you scored 19 on
Self-Control and 19 on Evangelism, you are a Psychotic and are
probably throwing a tantrum at this moment. Of course, there is no
value judgement placed on any location in the quadrant: Its OK to be
a Spineless Wimp; its OK to by Psychotic; its OK to be where-ever
you are (although YOUR location is rather abnormal).
By definition, the personality type of a particular quadrant hates the
personality type in the opposite quadrant. So, ARs hate Psychotics and
vice versa; likewise for SWs and Megalomaniacs. Understanding the hatred
between these groups is the first step to building good teamwork!
The Anal-Retentive Quadrant (The Authors Quadrant!)
Characteristics: Good with numbers, likes to work with machines
more than humans, not fun at parties (unless everyone
else is AR also), lots of them are engineers.
Nicknames: Einstein, Good Engineer, Boring, The Computer
Favorite Phrase: I need more data.
Handles Conflict by: Playing video games.
Famous ARs: Carl Sagan, Ayn Rand
The Spineless Wimps Quadrant
Characteristics: Always friendly, always agreeable, make you feel good
until you turn your back on them, soft handshake, good
at organizing parties.
Nicknames: Ol Reliable, Mr(s). Happy, Two-Faced Rat
Favorite Phrase: I agree.
Handles Conflict by: Giving in and then not inviting you to the next party.
Famous SWs: George Bush, Dan Quayle
The Megalomaniacs Quadrant
Characteristics: Cold, decisive, power-hungry, has delusions of
grandeur, lets you know where you stand (usually within
earshot of a crowd), dictatorial.
Nicknames: Idi Amin, The Dictator, The Robot, The Rotten Bastard
Favorite Phrase: Youre wrong!
Handles Conflict by: Killing those who disagree.
Famous Ms: Saddam Heussin, Alexander Haig
The Psychotics Quadrant
Characteristics: Bubbly, bubbly, so-bubbly-you-want-to-strangle-them,
obnoxious, insecure, humorous, fun at parties
(especially when throwing a temper tantrum).
Nicknames: Barrel-O-Fun, The Clown, The Psycho
Favorite Phrase: I have a vision.
Handles Conflict by: Threatening to kill self and everyone else.
Famous Ps: Sam Kinnison, Sally Field
THE FLEXIBILITY SCALE
In addition to the four quadrants, there is another dimension to
personality (even though I said there were only two before). This other
dimension is flexibility, also known as schizophrenia. This scale
denotes how well can a person fake another personality type (see Figure 4).
Figure 4. The Flexibility Scale
+————–+————–+—————–+—————-+
| | | | |
Catatonic Paranoid Split Personality Triphrenia Quadrophenia
| | | | |
Does not even Most people Manages to fake Three The ultimate
have a are here. an additional personalities! in flexibil-
personality. personality. ity. Can
fake all four
personality
types.
Although we can never change our basic location in the personality
quadrants, we can strive for and achieve greater flexibility! For
example, you may be merely paranoid now, but with a little work in this
course, you could become a split personality or even quadrophenic! The
key to flexibility is understanding the other personality types so that
you can quickly and easily pigeon-hole those around you and understand
what makes them tick. Once you know how to do this, you will find that
it is much easier to manipulate those around you!
SUMMARY
You now know everything you need to better mangle impersonal
relationships. Good luck! And remember: Its much easier to work
with people once youve stereotyped them.
One day, Bill Clinton, Rush Limbaugh and Al Gore decided to walk to the Wizard of Ozs castle in Emerald City. When they got there, the Wizard asked them what they wanted the most. Limbaugh asked for a heart, Gore asked for a brain, and Clinton asked for Dorothy.
Clinton should be proud. He has done more in six months than Jimmy Carter in four years.
Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to push the button in case of nuclear attack?
Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?
Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?
Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wifes half sister?
Which president called his mistress Pookie?
Which president married a woman who hadnt yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an adulterer during his re-election campaign?
Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbors wife while he was engaged to someone else?
Which president had a torrid affair with the first ladys personal secretary?
Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet – at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?
Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the *other* president who did the same in a closet? (The one from Question 9)?
Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more impressive (i.e. numerous) than the Presidents?
Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his penis (which he named Jumbo)?
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ANSWERS
John F. Kennedy
Bill Clinton
Lyndon B. Johnson
Thomas Jefferson
Bill Clinton
Andrew Jackson
George Washington, Lyndon B. Johnson
Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy
Warren G. Harding
John F. Kennedy
Lyndon B. Johnson
Lyndon B. Johnson
Heres a dilemma for you… With all your honor and dignity what would you do? This test only has one question, but its a very important one.
Please dont answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line – this is important for the test to work accurately.
Youre in Florida…In Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. Youre trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away with it.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is — its George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the worlds most powerful men.
And heres the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
How many aides does it take to change President Regans lightbulb?
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