Old Jokes | New Jokes

Most people worry about getting AIDS from sex.

Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides.

Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
"Driver? Can I drive for a while?"
"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington — dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.
"Who is it? Is it a senator?"
"No. More important."
"The president?"
"No. More important."
"An ambassador? Who?"
"I dont know. But the Pope is his driver."

Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll? You pull the string and it never tells the same story twice!

Top 10 Benefits of a White House Internship

First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs

Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great

Gives new meaning to MTV slogan Rock the Vote

Observe the Presidents commitment to young people
first hand

Learn intricacies of statutory rape law

Have President chase around desk brandishing his
subpoena

President tells you he really wants you on his staff

Try out JFKs legendary rocking chair

Have President introduce you to his special
investigator

Find out what a politician means when he says hes
been polling his constituents

(From: Greg Ryding)

Time: Early Sixties. Place: Yourtown, USA

A young unmarried couple decides after a few dates that
they are going to sleep together. So, the guy, Tom, goes to
the local pharmacy to buy some condoms.

Tom goes up to the pharmacy counter and asks the
pharmacist for some Trojans, (just like the kid in Summer of
42). The pharmacist looks at Tom disgustedly and says,
Whats wrong with you kids today, ya go on two dates and you
wanna go to bed with each other. Why cant ya save sex for
when ya get married. You should wait until youre married!
Sex before marriage is a sin ya know.

Well Tom calmed down the pharmacist and explained that
his generation was a little different. He said that he and
his girlfriend were just trying to act responsibly and take
precautions against pregnancy and disease. The pharmacist
conceded that times were changing and finally sold him the
condoms.

That same night Tom was invited over to his girlfriend
Kateys house for dinner with the family. When they all sat
down, Tom asked Kateys father if he could say grace. Her
father said yes and Tom proceeded to say a beautiful eleven
minute grace thanking everyone from the Pilgrims to the
President for the meal they were about to eat.

After dinner Katey took Tom aside and smiling, said,
Tom, you never told me you were so religious! Tom smiled
back and said, Well, Katey, you never told me your father was
a pharmacist.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he wont be going to school.

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood, and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win? Dan Quayle. Hes the only one who knows that harass is one word.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans, and Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following problem.

Youre walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Glock and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrats Answer:

Well, thats not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible hed be happy with just killing me and not my family?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and gardening day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republicans Answer:

BANG!

Southern Republicans Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click…(sounds of reloading).